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UAGoldenBear
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Name: Johnny
Birthday: 10/21/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: Beating up Brandon, then sleeping, eating, and repeating.
Expertise: Picking up chicks left and right WITHOUT a car (Take that all you spoiled brats)!
Message: message me
AIM:  UAGoldenBear
Member Since:
10/4/2003
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| I wanted to write something more important before I did the 25 things, but I decided I don't know how to say it... so here's my 25 things.
1) I'm a very emotional person who likes to try to hid their emotions. So that makes me a closet emo. It makes me feel more manly to hide my emotions. Like Jack Bauer. But in all honesty, I probably cry more than most guys do. And I blog, which is generally a feminine thing to do anyways.
2) I dislike big parties. I was thinking about saying hate, but that would be too strong. Why? Because greater than or equal to half the people don't know you. You don't know them. And if you're the new kid on the block, in all probability, they don't give a damn... I mean, they don't care who you are. For the most part, it's completely awkward and a lot less fun than Mean Girls makes it.
3) I dislike small talk. And I mean dislike, not hate. Unless it happens to go to something more important or it's a close friend of mine, it won't build the relationship and it's just a waste of time. I've found the longer I've kind-of known someone, the less likely they'll become a close friend (unless, they show me they care about me... which never comes accross in small talk).
4) I want to fall in love with God. Key here is want. I want to live a passionate life for him. But I'm not there yet. I believe it's possible to live a life where you are always passionately chasing after God and loving him because I believe he is passionately pursuing us. And we love because he first loved us. I learn how to love others based on how other people have loved me. If God is passionate for me and dancing over me, I think I can learn how to be passionate for him.
5) I have horrible seasonal depression. I can't wait till spring is here. I think this depression has to do with the fact that I always look down when I walk in the cold. Maybe heat is better insulated when I keep my head down? I don't know. But either way, the lack of color, the cold, my emo character, and keeping my head down results in seasonal depression.
6) I have issues when I have to clean up after people. This is my mind set, "I don't make you clean up after me, don't make me clean up after you. I'm responsible for my own actions, you can be too."
7) I have an ungodly addiction to sports. It's adultery. Really.
8) I characterize myself as "an eternal pessimist" (Even writing that is pessimistic... Actually, all seven of the previous things I wrote have a negative slant to them... oh well). I think this is because I usually have high expectations and high hopes for people, things, etc. And when they let me down, I don't have a very good coping mechanism.
9) There was a time in my life when I went to three different churches on Sunday. God is good, but honestly, I did not like that at all. The marginal utility for the third sermon was definitely negative.
10) I am a horrible swimmer. In gym class, I was put in the C group (the slow group) and I was the slowest of that group. I think it might be genetic though, because none of my siblings are good swimmers.
11) I love Les Miserables (the musical). And Wicked. But Les Miserables is like, part of my life. In fact, I think it describes the different seasons of my life very well. I first listened to it Christmas day when I was, like, 5. It's been part of me ever since (that was the day I fell in love with Lea Salonga... I hope she never reads this. She's a friend of mine on facebook).
12) I've said some pretty stupid things in my life. Things that have hurt people and things that are just plain stupid. For example, I at a ski resort, I thought a sign said, "All ski's must be returned. Those who steal Mad Mountain ski's will be prostituted" instead of prosecuted.
13) I use to have a four pack. Now it's gone. Enough said. It's too depressing.
14) I like to psychoanalyze people. It's just something I do. This may be why I'm a pessimist, because if you look at what people do and say, people don't make sense and hurt each other and themselves all the time. But nonetheless, it's fun because you can see what people are really feeling and what they really think. I'm pretty good at psychoanalyzing, but sometimes I'm just plain wrong.
15) I like to talk on the phone. I don't do it as often as I'd like. But I like to.
16) I like to shop as well. In general, I'm in touch with my feminine side. My favorite places are American Eagle, Banana Republic, and Express. GAP is pretty good too.
17) I dislike R&B. Strongly dislike. Sex, drugs, alcohal, and people who can't pronounce "Umbrella" correctly. Not my cup of tea.
18) Probability states that I'm going to marry an Asian (Every non-Asian girl in the world becomes immediately disappointed). It's just a stated fact, not an opinion. My roommates and most of my friends think I'm pretty "white," but that fact remains, Asian culture and society is so much part of who I am, it would be hard to have an intimate relationship with someone who at least doesn't understand that.
19a) If I could be anywhere right now, I'd be at the Adam's house. It's the most friendly place to be.
19b) I love the Adams family.
20) In general, I like female singers more than male singers. High tones are just more relaxing and soothing (ok, those aren't the right words, but right now, I can't find them). My favorite female voices are Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, Vanessa Anne Hudgens (in HSM, not her crap R&B stuff), Katharine McPhee, Lisa Peterson, and Taylor Swift (on CD, not live. She has a problem with tone and possibly even staying in key when she's live).
21) My favorite band is Jars of Clay.
22) I like to critique music. At the high school talent show, I was playing Simon and Randy in our seats and commented on each person's performance (as a general rule, if you've seen me, you've probably been judged in some way or another).
23) The following characterizes a lot of people in my life (and how I think other people view me as well): They love me, but they just don't have time for me. I understand that. I know it by how people treat me and their attitude towards me when we do hang out. And frankly, for the most part, that's all I need to know.
24) I am highly nostalgic. Which is part of the reason why I like country music. But I like to go down memory lane all the time. Am I living through the past? Maybe. But it's sometimes a friendly reminder that even though it seems like the past was better, it's just as good as today. Or as my friend says, God is doing things today just as much as he was doing things in the past.
25) And for the great ackward finale... I have slept with multiple men... sometimes at the same time.
25b) I like to make say ackward things and make ackward situations. It's just fun. Part of it has to do with that psychoanalyzing thing I like to do. But I hate it when the situation becomes too ackward for me (which is very very rare).
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| To start off, school has been pretty good so far. I'm now living on campus with a couple of friends. And like I thought, it's better to live on campus than it is to commute. Saves a BOATLOAD of time. But at the same time, it's a lot of responsibility to take on. Like keeping the apartment clean (if that is even possible) and paying rent, collecting rent, etc. Being on campus this year, it feels like being a freshman almost. I know very few people and am trying my hardest to remember names so that I can forget them later...
Spiritually, it's been interesting to say the least. I had a lot of ideas on how to grow closer to God this year and trusting him to sustain me, such as trying hard not to do homework on Sundays (which I've done once so far) as to observe his Sabbath (it's interesting on how many blessings God promises to give when you observe his day of rest. Just read Deuteronomy 28) and how many curses he has for those who don't. I don't know why he does that, but I'm not going to question him. I haven't enacted many of my ideas because of different circumstances.
I haven't quite found a spiritual home yet. But I'm in the mist of finding it and hoping God will reveal himself as I continue to search for his presence.
I've been thinking a lot about mediocrity. It's the main problem in the church in America. Every Christian I've talked to, when recounting their life with Christ, seems to have this common trend:
1) God finds them in the mist of their brokenness and sets their world on fire
2) They feel God's presence in them and is passionate about God
3) But then something happens. The passion leaves and they are confused.
This is what I feel happened to me anyways. It's like the first date syndrome, or the drug syndrome. The first date is awesome. It's new and fresh. But as time goes on, it becomes common and familiarity breeds contempt. Or a drug. The first time you try it, but as time goes on, you need something stronger.
It's probably one of the most over used verses in the world (which is why I hate it), but I constantly worried about this verse:
So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
-Revelations 3:16
How did I become lukewarm? How did apathy overcome us? The transfiguration is often used in Christian conferences to show how we have this "spiritual high" by going up to the mountain and finding God there and how we are to come back down the mountain to testify about what we experienced. But what is it we experience at a conference that makes us so passionate about God and his love for us (Stay with me, I promise this is going somewhere)?
Matthew 17 says, "While he was still speaking, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them; and suddenly a voice came out of the cloud, saying, 'This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear Him!' And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their faces and were greatly afraid."
Why does hearing God cause them to fall FLAT ON THEIR FACES and become GREATLY AFRAID. Isn't this the God that loves us and chases us? That is always willing to forgive? What is there to be afraid of? However, this isn't God. This is the American God.
I think this is why they were afraid. The only thing that I can think of that would cause someone to be so scared that they would fall on their faces is death. They felt God wanting to kill them. Being in the presence of God made them feel God's wrath. By being close to God's righteousness, they understood how their righteousness was like filthy rags. Like a hurricane, fear and shame ravaged their hearts as they realize just how much God hates their sin. Sometimes we go through our day, doing some of the smallest things that seem like they are innocent because everyone does it. We hate our enemies, we spend hours on the internet entertaining ourselves but refuse to pray for half an hour for our friends in need. We can go shopping and spend money like we're in an economic boom, but refuse to give ten percent to the God who should own our own being. We can go on a diet and exercise everyday to stay in shape, but we don't have the faith to fast so that God can reveal himself to us in our weakness. We can be bitter and hateful and hide it and think it's OK.
And we say we're good Christians.
That's the problem with American Christianity. We maintain that God is this overly benevolent Santa Claus that will accept anyone and everyone as long as we say a simple prayer. So we don't fear God.
But fear is what we feel at conferences. We feel the presence of God and we realize how horrible our life is. But thankfully, it doesn't end there.
It goes on to say in Matthew 17, "But Jesus came and touched them and said, 'Arise, and do not be afraid.' When they had lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only."
That's the second part of what we feel during our time in God's presence. God doesn't leave us afraid and in shame. Jesus comes and touches us on the shoulder and says "do not be afraid." By understanding how much God hates our sin and how much he wants to destroy us, we can understand why Jesus sweated beads of blood before he went to the cross. The same fear and shame that overcame Peter, James, and John would overcome Jesus at the cross. Jesus would take the fatal blow of God. The wrath of God that makes us afraid of him, the fear of death that grips us would fall on Jesus and terrify him so that it wouldn't terrify us anymore. The wrath of God was satisfied so that we will have no guilt in life and no fear in death.
If we can remember that. If we could fear God everyday. If we could be daily reminded about righteous God is and how much his righteousness demands of us and how short we fall because of it, how different our lives would be. If we were reminded of this pain and fell on our faces everyday so that Jesus can touch us and tell us to fear not, how grateful we would be.
I believe when we die we will all be subjected to the presence of God. We will stand before him, and fear will fill our hearts. I, for one, will probably fall on my knees and on my face, prostrated on the ground, fearing for my soul. For those of us that will let Jesus touch us now will feel Jesus touch us again, we will look up and find no one else around. A strange and foreign sense of peace will overcome us. We will hear Jesus's voice for the first time, saying "Do not be afraid" and we will be fearless.
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| Wow. Xanga has really changed on me.
Anyways. So this is my first update since I've started college. And to say it's been disappointing would be an understatement. Lots goes into that. But this is what I envisioned college to be:
Dream: I thought that I would still be able to get connected despite being a commuter. What I really wanted is to get connected and affect people's lives. Throughout my high school career I had pretty much stuck to the Christian group because I didn't have time to hang out with anyone else (like... if anyone didn't notice, I was pretty much always at church). So my plan was to hang out with non-Christians just like Jesus did. I also wanted to get a job, join lots of clubs, get in shape, and take a leadership role in some Christian organization.
Reality: I tried to do all that. In fact. I tried to do everything. I joined millions of clubs (running club, Fisher Citizenship Club, helping with UALC middle school youth group). But doing that and getting grades proved impossible. I had to drop pretty much everything to focus on it. Including with trying to make friends (though I did continue to run, but that was because it was organized around a time I could consistently give up). I essentially had no free time. So I closed my social market in favor for protectionism (I want an economics minor if you can't tell).
It's not all doom and gloom. I have been reading my Bible and been really studying it. I also got a job now and have an apartment lined up for me next year. But it has been kind of hard to trust God in all of this. That His plan is better than the one that I dreamed when I came in. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm soaring on wings like Eagles. So I try to live out this verse:
"I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."
-Phillipians 4:11
In the end, I'm just ashes and dust. My dreams aren't what's important. Not happy, but content to be loved by God.
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Tomorrow, I will walk across a stage with a diploma
in my hand. In my mind, I will be asking, This is it? Thirteen years of
pain and late nights doing projects, waking up at 7 am in the morning on the
weekdays, and painfully sitting through Mr. Greenhill’s notoriously torturous
“our school has yet again outdone it self” and “make good choices” speeches for
this piece of paper? That’s a depressing thought.
I remember graduating from Greensview Elementary School.
A classmate of mine was crying. I didn’t understand way. I asked her, “Why are
you crying?” She said, “We’ve been here almost our entire life. Can’t you
understand other people’s feelings?”
To this day, I say no.
Good riddance to bad trash.
What on earth are you talking about? The future
is bright John Wan!
The future is not bright. It’s full of baggage that
we are going to bring around. I’m talking about the baggage you’ll pick up when
your girlfriend or boyfriend dumps you (and admit it, they WILL dump you). Or
the luggage of bitterness when your best friend betrays you. The burden of
grief when your dog dies, or worst, when your parents die. Or how about the one
we all bear, the dead weight (literally) of death.
That’s the future. That is the destiny we bear. So
what do we do? I will refer some of my favorite songs to answer this question.
Life's a
piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life
Look on the bright side of life everyone. Life is a highway
(on an extremely rocky terrain). Ride it. All the way down. Some people say
don’t look back. Look back, but only when you want to change lanes. We all make
mistakes. We realize we were suppose to exit five miles ago. Don’t be afraid to
look back and change directions (or else your approval rating will be like
George W. Bush’s).
Another song that touches my heart is in the Broadway
musical Les Miserables.
Drink
with me to days gone by
To the life that use to be
At the shrine of friendship never say die
Let the wine of friendship never run dry
Here’s to you and here’s to me
Cherish your friendships. Relationships are one of
the few things that matter in life. Your life will end, but your legacy will
move on (like that’s some sort of compensation!).
To the seniors, there are three things I would like
to say. 1) Don’t live in a van down by the river. 2) I know half of you half as
well as I’d like, and I like half of you half as well as you deserve. 3) God
bless you wherever you go.
Here’s to the high life folks. Here’s to you, and
here’s to me. | | |
| Wow. It's happening. I'm almost done with my high school career. It's a weird thought. A new phase of my life is just around the corner. New people. New faces. Lots of what I hold dear will be gone. And some of those that I hold dear maybe gone till Heaven.
I think about what I've experienced in my life.Granted, my sheltered life leaves little to think about, I think about the people who made me who I am today; the friends I've had, the people I've known. Some of whom I haven't seen in ages. Some of whom I have and it's not what I expected. How many of my peers go out and get drunk on the weekends? Many. Who knew they would back when they were in sixth grade? Some of them were my Christian friends. How about those strong Christian friends of mine that I prayed and worshiped with? Some don't even know what they believe anymore. Who knew the devil could cut down the tall trees of the forest? What about myself? I struggle now. I struggle to read my Bible. I struggle to love God. I struggle to pray for those who need prayer. I struggle with trusting God to use me despite my... well, closed life.
The world is falling apart. The mighty fall, and the young grow tired. It's getting harder and harder to believe that the will not grow weary and we will soar on the wings of eagles.
Not all is doom and gloom. God has a plan. It's a secret that I can not know, nor could I comprehend, I'm sure. Believing that on a day-to-day basis requires much more faith than I have right now. I hope that changes.
I'm going to try to be thankful for a moment. A thankful list:
1. I am going to college. That's a lot more than half of America can say.
2. I have true friends who care about me. Another thing half of America can't say.
3. Alvin Lim came back
4. Chris Hostettler came back
5. I can go over to Chris's house on Friday's and play hang out for, well, a long time
6. I'm going to see Les Miserables this spring break
7. Jars of Clay exists
8. I've discovered the magic of facebook
9. The mascarde dance was sweet
10. My friends are willing to drive me around. I really love them for that.
11. Five snow days this year
12. The sleepover where we went bowling, applebees, then watched Anchorman was da bomb
13. I'm blogging at 12:30 AM... something I can only do when my mom is not in town 
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